ARE YOU READY FOR AN ONSLAUGHT OF NEW HISTORY CHANNEL SPECIALS?? BECAUSE THERE’S A NEW DAN BROWN BOOK ON ITS WAY!

Yes, news broke today that Dan Brown is releasing his new novel, Inferno, on May 14.

Even this guy is more legitimate than Dan Brown these days….

I think I can already hear the History Channel making its new special: Dan Brown’s Dante’s Inferno: Fact and Fiction. Also, Aliens.

Remember that epic battle between Dan Brown and the authors of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail? The authors accused Brown of plagiarizing their non-fiction in making his blockbuster The Da Vinci Code. That was when Brown was still a passable author. And I was pretty much on Team Brown. I mean, I read both books, and they were totally similar but I gave Brown a pass.

But that pass ends today, you douche!

I really liked Dan Brown pre-Code. Angels and Demons was a really good book. And some of his lesser-know, un-Hanks’ed novels are quite good too. And, I admit, I enjoyed Code. It was fun. The movie was even passable, and at least Angels and Demons had Ewan McGregor.

Then two things happened: I read The Last Cato and The Lost Symbol. Ok, that’s a lie, I couldn’t even get more than 200 pages into Symbol before I realized that this book made C-SPAN look like a Schwarzenegger movie.

For those of you too lazy to click the link, Cato is about a badass nun who runs around figuring out shit (like Robert Langdon), all centered around…wait for it…DANTE’S INFERNO.

So you can imagine the pile of bricks I shat this morning when the Twitters announced that Brown’s new book is about…DANTE’S INFERNO.

Dan Brown: Douchebag. The Lance Armstrong of the literary world.

That’s it, I’m done with you Dan Brown. Because there’s no way this is a coincidence. Cato was a Spanish-language novel that didn’t have the biggest following stateside and I would bet my proceeds from this blog (ha!) that he’s just going to crib that story, or at least parts of it. Fool me once, Danny boy…

So you can take your new novel and shove it in the seventh circle of your butthole.